Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. My mom knew that every year, we had to put up a Christmas tree and Christmas decorations. I love what the season represents — the birth of my Savior, Jesus Christ, and being thankful everyday for all that God has given me. Christmas is not about gifts for me, but I can truly say that this year, we have been blessed with one of the most amazing gifts ever, a sweet little bundle of joy growing inside of me! We had our first sonogram on December 1st, and the baby was spinning, kicking its little legs and waving those hands the entire time. I thought something was wrong, but the technician assured me the baby was okay, just a little active.
When I got married, my husband and I agreed that we would begin a family after our first year of marriage. On our anniversary, we knew that it was time to start a family as planned. I got pregnant on our first attempt. Within a week of trying, a home pregnancy test confirmed that I would be a mom. We are so excited, and we thank God for this precious little baby that we love so much, which leads me to my next point.
Right now, I have a lot to say. I’m really saying it out of love and for those of you who are guilty of doing this, I want you to be extra sensitive the next time you are tempted to interrogate a couple without children. If you read my prior article, “God’s Timing,” you know that I was not a 20-year-old when I got married. As a result, people always asked, “When are you getting married? You’re not getting any younger. You know you have less eggs now that you’re older.” Yes, they actually estimated that I had very few eggs left and some of you reading this know what I’m talking about. Well, if I decided to make my own decision to get married, I could have been married in my early 20’s. However, I could not rush God and force Him to bring along a husband, and when I thought the right guy had come along, I never begged him to marry me. I never wanted my marriage to be based on an ultimatum or because I was in a hurry to get to the altar. I just accepted the fact that God is God all by Himself and He didn’t need my help in finding a mate for me. I came to grips with the fact that I might be 30 or older when my mate came along.
Well, ladies, when you get married, the comments from “friends” and family will not end there. Once you get married, the next question is, “So, when are you having children?” I don’t think that is an inconsiderate question at all. I have asked my newly married friends and family that question before, but when they gave me an answer, whatever that answer might have been, “We’re going to wait for a few years,” “I don’t know yet,” “We’re not in a hurry,” I did not question them again. If you ask someone when they plan to have children or if they are planning to have children, take their answer at face value and cease questioning. I say this for several reasons.
During the holidays, my husband and I visited friends and family, and there was one particular visit that really disturbed me. I truly love the person who made the comments, but I know that this happened to me for a reason. I need to share this with everyone so that we can be more sensitive to couples around us who have no children. While sitting with family members, my husband and I were asked when we were planning to have children. I answered, “Well, we want to enjoy our first year together and when we feel the time is right, we will start a family.” I felt this answer was sufficient enough to halt all following questions. However, instead of taking my answer as final and leaving us alone, we were told, “You have been married for a year. You all need to have children soon. You’re not getting any younger. It might take years to have a child. That’s why you need to get started now.” The disturbing comments went on for about 30 minutes. This relative even began telling us about a family member who struggled for numerous years before having a child. At the time these comments were being made, I was almost 12 weeks pregnant, but think about this —- what if I had not been pregnant at the time these comments were being made? What if I had not been merely waiting to share the news with my family?
What if my husband and I had been trying and we had not been successful? What if we had been told that we could not have children and we decided to deal with this secretly? What if …? These comments were enough to take the energy out of any husband and wife who knew of their secret struggle to have children. Even though I got pregnant the first time we tried, I began to think to myself, who are people to dictate when I should have children? Who are people to ask, “Are you trying? How long have you been trying?” If a couple has been trying for weeks, months, or years, that is their business, and not yours. The next time you ask someone when they are having children, take their answer and leave it at that. Do not go on and on about how old they are and the fact that there is a possibility it might be difficult for them to have children. Who wants to sit and endure that? There are many women in their 20’s who have a difficult time getting pregnant. I spoke to a young lady on my doctor’s staff who tried to get pregnant for 3 years before she was successful. She was in her 20’s. There are also women in their 20’s who have really difficult pregnancies. So, don’t tell me that I have to be a 20-year-old to start a family.
When I finally walked out of the house and my husband and I were on our way, I said, “I don’t receive any of that, in Jesus’ name.” What God has blessed, no man can curse, and I refuse to allow someone to tell me that it might take years for me to conceive. I will not allow anyone to feed negativity into my life and I hope you will not allow people to speak negativity into your life.
I watched The Help this weekend with some friends, and one of the characters had a miscarriage. She buried her baby in a box in the yard and planted a rose bush so that her husband would think it was just another rosebush in the yard. When the cameras zoomed out, you could see two previous rose bushes she had planted and the scene showed her planting her third bush and burying her third child. What if this woman had gone home for the holidays and was drilled about why she hadn’t gotten pregnant? How would that make her feel knowing that she had miscarried three times in silence? How would that make any woman feel? This is why we have to be so sensitive when we make comments that could possibly hurt someone else.
If you are not married, tell your relatives sitting around the Christmas tree this year that you will get married when God sends the right mate, and if they don’t like the fact that you are not married, they need to keep it to themselves. Maybe you need to ask them how their marriage is going.
To all my single ladies who are believing God for the right mate, and to all my married ladies who are taking your time starting a family or who may be struggling secretly, stand up for yourselves this holiday season. Don’t be afraid to go home and tell everyone that your life belongs to you and you will live it as you see fit. When they tell you that your egg count is decreasing (the dumbest comment ever), just remind them that the eggs you have left will be just as fertile. Stand up for yourself, and Merry Christmas!